From Tsunamis to Sunsets
Recently my life has gone through many changes. As many of you know, a lot of times when bad things happen we convince ourselves that we are fine and through the old saying“put your big girl panties on” we drudge through our daily life making it look rosey and beautiful for all of those around us and their comfort.
The other day, once again, I walked down the street with one of my mentors, holding my head high and my tears back, talking about how fine I am with my choices in life. It was almost as if I was a record player that had been set on replay, needle scratching as I picked up the arm to start it over again. The truth is, it wasnt until she looked me in the eyes and told me my own story, the unfolding as she, an outsider had watched it unfold over the past year that I actually started to experience pain.
She didn’t tell me a story of a women who was just walking away from a bad marriage, a job and a comfort, The simplified story I had been telling myself, the big strong self who can handle anything.. No, she told me the story of a woman who loved what she was doing in life, who had spent months building a beautiful new business, a woman who finally had an amazing best friend to share all her girl shit with, she was willing and working through a tarnished marriage, had a beautiful home and great family and all of a sudden, within months had closed the business she loved, been betrayed by the best friend, betrayed by the husband, filed for divorce and put her home and belongings for sale…..
In other words I didnt hear a story about a little hiccup in life….I heard about the fucking Tsunami that hit my life and I realized for the first time that I am not fine…
It’s Funny how our story being told from anothers perception can shift our way of thinking in sometimes subtle but others, very dramatic ways.
I chose that day to take my pain, sorrow, anger, fear and distrust and walk with it, walk with that shadow hand in hand and make friends. I needed to embrace the fact that I can be a stong woman and be falling to the ground in complete heartbreak all at the same time and it’s ok. I can not know what I am going to do and have fear of the unknown but I can also embrace that fear and make it something magnificantly wonderful as I walk into my new world and thats exactly what I did.
I am crying when I need to cry, I am angry when I feel angry and my voice works when the words need to be spoken. I see clearly as I look through my tears because I know it is ok to blink though them and not care what others think because they are my traumas shedding from my body or my joys escaping for the world to embrace as well…
My hope is that if this experience has taught me anything, When life throws me shit sandwiches I don’t have to sit there and eat it and pretend I like it, I can take that shit sandwich and call it out for exactly what it is ..
Something we already know feels real good to get rid of and has no value held inside my body…